I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“No way.” -Jose
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]