Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
5 ways to appear taller
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Just had my nails done!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.