YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Meanwhile in Portland…
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO