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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
i want to work in this restaurant
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Nomnomnomnom
My daily affirmation
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.