Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
You Might Also Like
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Generation gap…
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
When someone trying to leave me
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Real House Wines.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My favorite farside!!
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic