SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself