A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
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Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I鈥檓 sure.
Me: You鈥檙e cranky.
Wife: I鈥檓 not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you鈥檙e in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90鈥檚 television mostly.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she鈥檚 done eating is a complete mystery.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Literally! 馃ぃ #dogs
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
The car鈥檚 navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it