me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me if I was a dog
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.