[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Brands during Pride
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs