MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors