Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
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This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
That’s easy for you to say
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram