Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
A short story about romance.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
#MeanwhileInCanada