I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.