Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
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Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils