[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
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[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’