High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.