If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
You know…for fall…
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.