A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe