I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
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“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
#growingpains
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Woke up against my better judgment again
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day