Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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Leaving the Barbers like
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.