A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
You Might Also Like
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Had an epiphany today.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.