MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth