Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
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Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Ummm
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.