A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
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Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.