Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
i spent way too long on this
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football