[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
May never get over this
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register