Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies