There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
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Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Me in tagged photos
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.