[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
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A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Hitlers gonna hitl
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?