The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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23. the denim jacket
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I have no passwords left in me
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.