[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.