It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
United Steaks of America
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.