Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.