Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Called it
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb