Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
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thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I cannot stop laughing at this
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”