my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
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[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.