(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
You Might Also Like
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I am also baked goods
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house