I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
channeling her this year
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not