I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
You Might Also Like
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?