Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest