[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
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I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks