One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.