Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
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[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Going into Monday like