I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
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Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before