I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Very problematic
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
HERE’S MARKY
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
#merica
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds