fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
You Might Also Like
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks