“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
These 3D printers are insane!
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life