If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Breaking news:
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going