Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
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I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!