oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.